Thanks anyway, but I don't look good in hats

Now that John Paul II is dead, it's time to consider who shall replace him.

If I'm going to be the new Pope, things will be done quite differently in the Vatican and around the world. First of all, the secrecy afforded to rampant pedophilia in the seminaries and rectories will be ended and all pedophiles will be ousted from the priesthood. And the loss of priests will be replenished because my new papal decree will encourage normal, God-given, sexuality among consenting adults including marriage for any two people who elect to enshrine their love as a marriage. This includes conventional marriage and same-sex marriage. Since the sex is happening anyway, the time is right to start the Church on a path of honesty and integrity, so mandatory celibacy will be removed as a requirement. It can be elected but it will not be compulsory.

My next encyclical will be to all believers to accept your gay and lesbian children and to embrace them as part of the Church family and their own personal families without rancor or recrimination. The Church will henceforth embrace people with AIDS the same way it embraces others who are dealing with any other diseases and Catholic hospitals will be a friendly and loving place for all people with all maladies without judgment. Just as Jesus taught us to accept and to judge not and to love each other as He loved us, we will mold the Church to behave with that philosophy.

Well, so much for my first day as Pope. Let's see if the College of Cardinals gives me the majority of the votes. Most of those guys (except for the pedophiles among them) are gay, anyway.

Hmm, I suppose I had to be a Cardinal first. Well, consider this -- I grew up in St. Louis and I was a huge Cardinal FAN for most of my childhood. I have all of the caps and other Cardinal paraphernalia,

so I'm practically a Cardinal anyway! I'm ready to ascend to the Throne of St. Peter!